[Because he's thinking about him, her fans, and her kids. and he's thinking, how dare someone say that about her? How dare they decide how she should love someone? It's bad enough that she's not allowed to love anyone at all. Why can't she believe she's already doing that? She thinks about what could heal him and protects him from what could hurt him. What is that if it isn't what she doesn't want to say?
Tears stream down his face before he can stop them.]
I'm bad at it too, you know? I lied to you, too. I knew the way I acted made it feel like this wasn't real. That's why I said it. Shit like that can only fly when everyone knows it's a lie. Idols only lie 'cause they wanna make people happy...
But you believed me.
I tried to be the worst, and you still believed me.
[Ah, saying it like this makes it sound like he never loved her, doesn't it? Maybe to Ai, it felt like a lie. But Rinne meant every word. He loves her. He wants her to shine. He just didn't think he'd ever want her for himself.
... No, maybe he did. He remembers what Ai asked him that day on that balcony against the setting sun. He told her it was okay to be selfish. It was okay to be an idol like that. It made her so happy, the smile she wore that day made him want to be selfish, too. He wanted the freedom to do that, too.]
So you can be scared of saying it all you want, but you said it yourself, didn't you? It's obvious that you love me.
[But... it's true that he still wants to hear it. It's true that he wants proof. But is it okay for him to ask for something like that? Is it okay for him to want it all the time? His cheeks are still wet with his tears when he closes his eyes, leans in, and presses his forehead against her own.]
You can do whatever you want with me. As much as you want, as many times you want. I don't deserve it, but... For all the times you tried to love me, I don't want you to ever think I didn't feel it.
no subject
Who told you you were bad at loving things...?
[Because he's thinking about him, her fans, and her kids. and he's thinking, how dare someone say that about her? How dare they decide how she should love someone? It's bad enough that she's not allowed to love anyone at all. Why can't she believe she's already doing that? She thinks about what could heal him and protects him from what could hurt him. What is that if it isn't what she doesn't want to say?
Tears stream down his face before he can stop them.]
I'm bad at it too, you know? I lied to you, too. I knew the way I acted made it feel like this wasn't real. That's why I said it. Shit like that can only fly when everyone knows it's a lie. Idols only lie 'cause they wanna make people happy...
But you believed me.
I tried to be the worst, and you still believed me.
[Ah, saying it like this makes it sound like he never loved her, doesn't it? Maybe to Ai, it felt like a lie. But Rinne meant every word. He loves her. He wants her to shine. He just didn't think he'd ever want her for himself.
... No, maybe he did. He remembers what Ai asked him that day on that balcony against the setting sun. He told her it was okay to be selfish. It was okay to be an idol like that. It made her so happy, the smile she wore that day made him want to be selfish, too. He wanted the freedom to do that, too.]
So you can be scared of saying it all you want, but you said it yourself, didn't you? It's obvious that you love me.
[But... it's true that he still wants to hear it. It's true that he wants proof. But is it okay for him to ask for something like that? Is it okay for him to want it all the time? His cheeks are still wet with his tears when he closes his eyes, leans in, and presses his forehead against her own.]
You can do whatever you want with me. As much as you want, as many times you want. I don't deserve it, but... For all the times you tried to love me, I don't want you to ever think I didn't feel it.