I don’t even know if it’s entirely that… [ it’s definitely a lot ] I wouldn’t even want to see you die at this point. [ which he says in a playful tone to show its a joking jab, not an actual one]
But… as you said I am… quite tired of all this death.
[He made a quiet, sharp sound that might almost have been mistaken for a laugh.]
Bruno wrote to me as he did to the rest of you. That was...a surprise. I had been under the impression that most of you simply did not care for me.
He wished my descendants could live long lives, because I told him that none of us ever have. It was...a kind sentiment, if a futile one. The blood of House Caelum is cursed to reign briefly and consign their souls to the Ring that they become power for those who follow. ['For the Chosen King', he didn't say. With how things were unfolding, Somnus was beginning to fear the Chosen would be one soul short when the time came.] Even I myself did not live to fifty.
We are all of us protectors, no matter the cost to ourselves. A wall against that which threatens the kingdom, and the power that will aid in dawn breaking over a star in shadow. And I as the Founder, the Mystic, whatever I am to be called...I am the strongest defense that the living kings may call upon.
What use is any of that when I can do so little to protect so few of you?
[ It all sounds... so sad to him, the way Somnus describes it. That mortals and their descendants should be cursed and bound like this. To live so short and dedicate their after lives to this cause... it feels so opposite of what his kind goes through, and yet he's still able to sympathize. ]
I... understand. Well, maybe not completely but... that feeling specifically.
When... when I first came to Aeaea I had nothing. Fled an unkind, dead world and arrived a hollow husk. It was my beloved and his people who found me that made me feel anything at all, made me whole, and when he asked me on his deathbed if I would always protect our home he gave me even more: purpose. Family.
[ He pulls a hand away from his harp and looks down at it. ]
I have spent the rest of my life since that moment doing whatever it takes. Learning everything I know, every spell, every piece of knowledge... all so I could fulfill this one purpose. Protect Aeaea. Protect our kin.
...But what good has it been here? What good... is this guardian beast now? Can't even keep the most vulnerable of us safe. So I... understand that much at least.
It is…troubling. My…brother was ever focused upon the narrower picture. To save one in peril before him, either ignoring or unaware that it would mean another who was not saved. Who would lament being passed over while another was chosen, consciously or otherwise. To save subjects instead of the whole kingdom, refusing to make even a single knowing sacrifice while blinded to the fact that his actions sacrificed those he could not save regardless.
He was too kind, too compassionate, too willing to see only the best of others…I would not wish these circumstances on even an enemy. But I can not stop myself from thinking that he would have done better by all of you.
Just yet another thing he would have prevailed in over me.
[ There’s a moment where, when hearing this, he remembers feeling Somnus’ own judgement and apprehension when Orthrus spoke of wanting to give Bryn a chance after what happened during the first motive. He idly wonders now if that was because Orthrus’ own kindness was reminding him of this brother. ]
…You haven’t spoken of a brother much until now. I think last week’s trial was the first time I even heard you had a brother.
[...He hadn't even realized he'd said it. A single critical misstep, but one that had him inwardly panicking no matter how calm he looked.]
I misspoke--blame the lack of sleep, I imagine. He died when I was still mortal, before I became what I am now.
We had grown apart somewhat beforehand. I was never wholly sure if that made it easier or more difficult. He was...very much like Loki, in several ways. For good and ill alike.
Perhaps that is why this past incident...affected me more than it should have. I doubted the obvious truth and nearly killed us all in the process. That was beyond careless of me, all because I...
…I see. That… explains a lot about how you reacted last week.
For what it’s worth… if I’ve learned anything over all these years, it’s that mistakes are what make you mortals the way you are. I know you… have all this responsibility as the Founder King, this duty as a guiding force, so such a thing may feel like a weakness.
But I can think of far worse mistakes than hesitating to kill friend because he reminds you of your dead brother. If any of you reminded me of my long gone sister I would be in a similar boat.
Making a mistake doesn’t denote a weakness. It just means your humanity isn’t completely gone. And I would consider that a strength.
[It wasn't. He couldn't afford to be human. A human would hesitate to do what needed to be done. Would suffer through the sentiment tied up in making difficult choices.]
[Had suffered through it.]
[If he had been as cold and cruel as the people once thought, he would have felt nothing. Maybe that would have been better; to operate as an emotionless force of simply black and white justice for their sake. To remove all obstacles--daemon or otherwise. But he had not been that, and to cut down the one that stood in the path of protecting Lucis had been...]
[It had been right. It had been necessary. And yet that justification did nothing to make it ache any less. In that respect, becoming the Mystic had practically been divine mercy. The pain never left, but it was...lessened. A protective force did not need to feel anything. Simply exist in the cold steel coffin that was its body and act when needed. Judge the unworthy when they rose to claim what was not theirs.]
[Ardyn would never have been able to endure such a fate. Too kind, too compassionate, too human.]
[Somnus knew this was unsustainable, at least here. That the steel armor was cracking--had cracked, when he confronted Loki. It would break before long, and all that would be left in this place was a flawed, weak human. Prone to mistakes. Prone to weakness.]
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no subject
Things were ever easier when I was not. The Lucii feel no fear or uncertainty--we merely function as we must when we are needed.
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It's far from a bad thing though. Even if it's not easier.
...And maybe we aren't so different after all, in a way.
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Mine… was also failure.
Failure not only to protect my kin back home but also… everyone here.
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But… as you said I am… quite tired of all this death.
no subject
Bruno wrote to me as he did to the rest of you. That was...a surprise. I had been under the impression that most of you simply did not care for me.
He wished my descendants could live long lives, because I told him that none of us ever have. It was...a kind sentiment, if a futile one. The blood of House Caelum is cursed to reign briefly and consign their souls to the Ring that they become power for those who follow. ['For the Chosen King', he didn't say. With how things were unfolding, Somnus was beginning to fear the Chosen would be one soul short when the time came.] Even I myself did not live to fifty.
We are all of us protectors, no matter the cost to ourselves. A wall against that which threatens the kingdom, and the power that will aid in dawn breaking over a star in shadow. And I as the Founder, the Mystic, whatever I am to be called...I am the strongest defense that the living kings may call upon.
What use is any of that when I can do so little to protect so few of you?
no subject
I... understand. Well, maybe not completely but... that feeling specifically.
When... when I first came to Aeaea I had nothing. Fled an unkind, dead world and arrived a hollow husk. It was my beloved and his people who found me that made me feel anything at all, made me whole, and when he asked me on his deathbed if I would always protect our home he gave me even more: purpose. Family.
[ He pulls a hand away from his harp and looks down at it. ]
I have spent the rest of my life since that moment doing whatever it takes. Learning everything I know, every spell, every piece of knowledge... all so I could fulfill this one purpose. Protect Aeaea. Protect our kin.
...But what good has it been here? What good... is this guardian beast now? Can't even keep the most vulnerable of us safe. So I... understand that much at least.
no subject
He was too kind, too compassionate, too willing to see only the best of others…I would not wish these circumstances on even an enemy. But I can not stop myself from thinking that he would have done better by all of you.
Just yet another thing he would have prevailed in over me.
no subject
…You haven’t spoken of a brother much until now. I think last week’s trial was the first time I even heard you had a brother.
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[The secret was pretty much out, or at least half of it was. Foolish of him really. A sentimental mistake he wished everyone would just forget.]
He died long ago, when we were both still mortal.
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[ …wait hang on ]
“When you were both still mortal” though…?
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I misspoke--blame the lack of sleep, I imagine. He died when I was still mortal, before I became what I am now.
We had grown apart somewhat beforehand. I was never wholly sure if that made it easier or more difficult. He was...very much like Loki, in several ways. For good and ill alike.
['annoying as hell' was implied]
no subject
That is… unfortunate. Growing apart is always quite sad, and it becomes even more so when one passes…
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['didn't want to feel like I killed him twice.']
...It was a mistake I will not make twice.
no subject
For what it’s worth… if I’ve learned anything over all these years, it’s that mistakes are what make you mortals the way you are. I know you… have all this responsibility as the Founder King, this duty as a guiding force, so such a thing may feel like a weakness.
But I can think of far worse mistakes than hesitating to kill friend because he reminds you of your dead brother. If any of you reminded me of my long gone sister I would be in a similar boat.
Making a mistake doesn’t denote a weakness. It just means your humanity isn’t completely gone. And I would consider that a strength.
no subject
[Had suffered through it.]
[If he had been as cold and cruel as the people once thought, he would have felt nothing. Maybe that would have been better; to operate as an emotionless force of simply black and white justice for their sake. To remove all obstacles--daemon or otherwise. But he had not been that, and to cut down the one that stood in the path of protecting Lucis had been...]
[It had been right. It had been necessary. And yet that justification did nothing to make it ache any less. In that respect, becoming the Mystic had practically been divine mercy. The pain never left, but it was...lessened. A protective force did not need to feel anything. Simply exist in the cold steel coffin that was its body and act when needed. Judge the unworthy when they rose to claim what was not theirs.]
[Ardyn would never have been able to endure such a fate. Too kind, too compassionate, too human.]
[Somnus knew this was unsustainable, at least here. That the steel armor was cracking--had cracked, when he confronted Loki. It would break before long, and all that would be left in this place was a flawed, weak human. Prone to mistakes. Prone to weakness.]
[Prone to caring about the people around him.]
Orthrus, I-
[Wait.]
[What was that sound?]