[ She hurries through an abbreviated version of her usual routine - there's no point in makeup and all the rest of it if all she's doing is staying on the house - and pulls on something comfortable and clean, trying to pay no attention to the unease creeping up the back of her neck. He'd made this sound so easy and Ai doesn't think he'd waste their time if it was entirely pointless, but...
That unease colours her face when she makes her way to the living room, even if she's doing her best to keep the worst of it out of her expression. She eyes the mat uncertainly for just a moment then decides they might as well get this over with either way before sitting herself down on it. ]
Magic... circuits?
[ A familiar little knot of shame ties up her throat - the embarrassment of not knowing something that's clearly common sense. She tries to rearrange her expression into a smile and doesn't entirely succeed. ]
I guess I must've missed that part of the book, huh?
It's not the sort of the thing you'd just read about. [ he sounds almost gentle about it - the soft "that's not right" of a trained tutor. ] It's almost exclusively passed down within families. A forbidden knowledge that can't be given to the unworthy.
[ it's a lie, and it's a lie for how truthful it is. a sentence that means almost precisely the truth. a sentence that tells absolutely nothing. and when she gives him that sad smile, that brief moment of failure-
the effortless smile he wears is just as worthless. ]
Lucky for you, you have the Fairy King himself! I may be worthless as a teacher, and I may not have a Morpound to my name, but at least I'm worth my salt as a magical existence. [ he leans forward, taking her hand in his. ] So, close your eyes. Drift into this dream we share, Ai, and let me guide you.
[ The knot in her throat loosens a bit, just enough for her to breathe around it. She's wrong – but wrong in a way that's acceptable. One that can be corrected, since she has someone willing to correct her. Her smile turns a little less frayed. ]
Well, I guess that explains it. There wouldn't have been anyone to tell me that at the children's home, huh?
[ For the first time in a while (or so she tells herself), she thinks of her mother. She doesn't remember her as a human anymore, but a dark stain somewhere in her brain that won't wash out but for a moment she tries anyway – tries to remember if she'd ever seen a bruise on the back of her hand like Ai's own, but...
Nothing.
She doesn't know if she prefers it that way or not. ]
Alright. [ Ai's fingers curl around his hand. It really does all sound like fairy tale nonsense, doesn't it? But if it means having her wish granted, she doesn't have any choice but believing. ] I'll do what I can.
[ her eyes drift shut, and for a moment silence reigns over all. like this, he can hear her heartbeat - see the tremor of each muscle, the way her chest moves as she breathes.
how despicably ugly. ]
Breathe in, then breathe out. Let the air circulate. You can feel it enter and leave your lungs, right? Think about that, first. The movement of the air.
[ The movement of the air, huh? It's not like there isn't plenty of it in this draughty apartment. Saitou had tried to insist that she move somewhere nicer now that she was making more money, but Ai hadn't seen the point. It's not like she needs the space when it's just her and everything that's important to her job she can do elsewh–
Ah. She was distracted already. She tries to pull her thoughts back in to the flow of air in and out of her chest, the rhythm of an inhale and exhale. It's hard, when her brain is so frayed in so many directions but eventually...
[ he can see her breathing slow. he can practically feel the way each muscle begins to unwind and untense, one by one. he nods when she finally speaks, a gentle and pleased tone in his voice. ]
That's it. Just like that. [ another breath. ] Air flows in and out, like that. Now think about your blood. It doesn't leave your body, does it? Trace it throughout yourself. Feel your veins take it from your fingers to your heart to your toes. Map it out.
[ Her body has never been a thing she's thought all that hard about. Not like this, anyway. She knows which muscles pull during which dance moves and which ones she stretches during practice. She feels when her heart picks up speed when she's exhausted, excited, fearful, full of energy, but she's never felt it so steady or so fully through the whole rest of her body.
Before, they'd been disconnected sensations floating vaguely around in the shape she understood to be 'Hoshino Ai'. Now it feels like she understands their placement in her body a little better. Maybe this is what he means when he talks about circuits.
Another nod. ] ... it's simpler than I was expecting it to be.
[ she's close. she's so, so close. just one last step is all she needs to push through that last barrier. ]
Now, feel the air around you. You can feel it, can't you? [ drafty. cool. musty. ] Imagine your nerves, pushing out. Something is trying to escape you. You can feel it, can't you? Let it through.
Even if it's just a trick of the air, of his words being so convincing that even just for a second she– ]
I can feel it.
[ Her voice is a little shaky. A little awed. As if right up until it happened she hadn't been able to let herself believe that it would actually work. Now she just has to push out and even if she doesn't know how to do it– she's gotten this far, hasn't she? ]
for a moment, his own certainty wavers. has the lie become truth? have his words taken on a new meaning? is she really capable...? he can see the flow of od within her circuits start, manifest half-heartedly, and for a moment he feels- trepidation. uncertainty. hope.
and then it dies away, blocked by circuits that cannot hold anything. of course. a lie is a lie, no matter what it might seem. it's relieving, a bit, just as much as it's crushing. ]
...you've already found them. [ the quiet admiration in his voice doesn't require a single bit of acting. ] But I'm not seeing anything flow through them. You never activated them before summoning me, did you?
[ Her eyes flit open, just enough for her to peek up at him with that same sheepish smile from before. Things don't seem to be going disastrously, but she still feels woefully out of her depth.
But she had felt something. Oberon standing right here in front of her is proof enough that it can't just be a fluke or a trick of her senses but now that wave has died down, she's not entirely certain she can make it crest again.
She shakes her head. ]
I didn't even know I could before I summoned you. Not that I was expecting it to work. [ She laughs, but it's... thin, somehow. ] Maybe they're too rusty to work properly.
[ of course she didn't. how could she have? she was never truly a mage to begin with. ]
Rust can be cleaned away, you know. [ they're not "rusty." they've never been opened in the first place. a hermetically sealed tomb. ] But the process is, ah... Well, rust requires an acid, you know, and this requires...
[ The visible hesitation makes Ai's stomach curdle a bit. The summoning ritual had been surprisingly innocent and painless but... well, the idea of rituals conjures up a certain image and there's been so much talk of bodies, blood, breathing that her brain very helpfully suggests all manner of gruesome possibilities in the few seconds pause between the lead up and the actual answer.
Then she just blinks. ]
... That's all?
[ Oh, uh– that's not the sort of response a pure idol like Hoshino Ai should give, is it? She scrambles for something more appropriate and the fluster in the wake of her slipup does a good job of filling in for actual embarrassment but it's transparently obvious that while she is wrong footed, it's for all the wrong reasons. ]
I mean, ah– i–is that really all we can do? I was thinking it might be something like the summoning ritual again but...
two words. it's just two words, but it's so much more. he's able to see every truth she hides under those - that she's done this before, and that she's not actually scared, and that this is just another thing she has to give, and-
he doesn't make himself smile. he lets himself frown at something unrelated, holds onto that feeling for a moment. it's not related. it's not the same feeling. it's just a harmless little lie, nothing more. ]
...if they were less rusted over, maybe. [ even like this, the doubt's clear in his voice. ] But like this? You wouldn't be able to even start those rituals. I'm sorry, I really am, but this is the safest way.
[ not the only way. but... the only acceptable one. the only way he can guarantee her safety. ]
[ That makes sense. After all, she's not really a mage, is she? She's someone tricking and lying her way into doing real magic. When she thinks about it like that it's a miracle that Oberon's standing here at all and you can't count on miracles to happen twice. If she hesitates too long, maybe it won't work at all. A lie starts falling apart the moment you question it too much. ]
... Okay. It might not be ideal, but... I can do it. I'manidol,afterall.
[ From her spot on the floor, Ai looks up at him with an eerily calm look on her face, even though her insides are turning a little. It's not that she's nervous, exactly. It's just she's so used to it being... different. A boy who says that he loves - or at least likes - her and Ai doing her best to believe she can eventually feel the same way. There isn't any of this here, but... maybe that will make things easier, if there's no feelings to try and perform. Well. Easier for her, anyway. ]
But is that really something you're okay with? [ She doesn't think he would have suggested it if he wasn't, but- ] Doing this with someone you don't love.
[ dirty. filthy. unworthy. bathed in the insects of the forest. covered in worms. a vile thing wearing the beautiful skin of a fairytale.
he smiles. ]
I can't say it's my favorite idea, and my wife would be furious, but... It's worth it to help you, after all. Any Servant would do this for their Master, don't you think?
[ servant and master. don't forget that, ai. that's all this is - if it were any more, it might be a single shining moment of truth. he kneels down, reaching out to rest fingers on ai's cheek. ]
It's your first time, right? Don't worry. I'll be sure to be gentle.
Something stirs in her head at that. Not guilt, though she suspects that it should be, but something else. Recognition, maybe. Yes, that's right — back when she'd still been just a brat playing at being an idol and Saitou had sent her to Lala Lie to straighten out her act. The workshop's halfhearted little production for all its fledgling talents had been A Midsummer Night's Dream and she and that boy had played two of its most important characters. He'd been Oberon and she'd been... What was her name again? Ai doesn't quite remember.
But it's not like it matters now. ]
Yes. [ The smile comes to her lips just as easily as the lie does. ] If it's you, then I don't have to be worried.
That's right. I'm here to make your wish come true, after all.
[ he draws closer - stops a few inches away from her face, hesitation clear in his eyes.
so he closes those little traitors, smiling and murmuring: ]
Just try to relax, Master. And... Tell me if you need me to stop.
[ and then he embraces her, gently - his larger arms wrapped around her, hands coming to rest on her back. this close, his wings are overwhelming, bright and beautiful and oh-so-delicate; this close, she can smell the scent of him, of royalty and merrymaking and a tavern's firelight. ]
[ She's supposed to relax? Like she can't see it on his face that he'd rather be doing anything else? Her lips part, like she wants to say something or maybe even to protest but before she can, his arms are around her and even though his touch is so, so gentle, all the air suddenly comes rushing out of her lungs like she's just been punched in the gut.
She has no idea when the last time someone held her was. It must have been years ago. Did that boy ever hold her while they were playing as adults or had he touched her no more than necessary and left her feeling cold afterwards? She doesn't know.
Oberon's hands are so warm. She didn't even realize she'd been so cold until they'd settled on her back and all of a sudden, her throat feels tight. Is she really so miserably alone that this is all it takes to unravel her?
Her hands bunch into fists in his robes, clutching at him for support. She feels alarmingly unsteady all of a sudden. ]
Oberon... [ The tremble in her voice isn't even close to being a lie. ] I don't know what to do.
[ Neither is that note of a plea. She'd thought that she did, but now she's not so sure. ]
[ it's not a lie. it's not a lie. his hands stroke at her back, and he whispers without thinking- ]
It'll be okay. [ a moment's horrid silence. his fingers tighten at her shoulder. ] Shhh. It's okay to be nervous. Just let me guide you, okay?
[ he's already moving her, laying the both of them down in a single easy motion. he's stronger than he looks - much stronger, even. from his new position atop her, he presses his cheek to hers, lets her feel his presence, tries to reach out and connect her magic circuits to his own make-believe existence. ]
[ He smells like summer. Breathing in that scent fills her head with flowers and buttery sunlight and makes her think of what he'd said before - the flowing of air, the pathways blood cuts through her body. Something stirs. She doesn't know if it's magic or circuits or whatever else but that stirring clicks like a key trying to find a lock.
Her fingers are still clutching at his robes and a warm little shudder goes through her. With the weight of Oberon's body pressed into her own, she feels suddenly and sharply present in her own self in a way she hasn't in a long, long time. Maybe that makes her a little pathetic but she's known that for a long, long time as well. ]
I don't know what it is, but... I can feel it.
[ Her voice is lower, breathier than she means it to be. ]
[ his voice is gentle, his actions slow. it's not going to be okay - it can't be okay, not anymore. but at the very least, he can make it not completely miserable. his hand strokes at her back; slowly, even as he focuses on aligning her circuits with his origin, he explores and finds what little touches draw a reaction from her.
he's shockingly kind, really. if only it could last. ]
[ Her breath comes out in shallow little puffs of air. Something is cracking open — no, stretching open and while it doesn't hurt, it's unfamiliar enough that she doesn't know what to do with it. So she tries to focus on his hands instead. That much she knows — even if it's been so long, she at least knows how it feels to have someone's hands on her body.
Everywhere feels so oversensitive. She doesn't know if it's just the fact that it's been so long since anyone touched her anywhere or if it's that combined with whatever else is thrumming in her blood, but every time his hands skim over bare skin, she shudders again. There's goosebumps all up and down her arms and even though he's being so gentle, it's still not good enough.
When his hand grazes her stomach she makes a thin, needy noise that even she's embarrassed by. She's a grown woman, isn't she? Pull it together, Ai. ]
Of course it is. What would I gain from lying to you?
[ he's not "cleaning the rust" off her circuits. with each tiny step, he's exploring the closed pathways, feeling out just how wide they can go. he's finding out just how far he can go, how far she can come as a mage-
with a bit of help, of course. ]
You're doing so well. [ his voice is gentle. there's a smile on his face, even as he delivers half-lies and sincerity for her. and the whole while, his eyes remain closed. ] Don't worry, Master. You're a natural.
[ the hand at her stomach pauses - dwells a bit longer, traces idle circles with perfect, slender fingers. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
That unease colours her face when she makes her way to the living room, even if she's doing her best to keep the worst of it out of her expression. She eyes the mat uncertainly for just a moment then decides they might as well get this over with either way before sitting herself down on it. ]
Magic... circuits?
[ A familiar little knot of shame ties up her throat - the embarrassment of not knowing something that's clearly common sense. She tries to rearrange her expression into a smile and doesn't entirely succeed. ]
I guess I must've missed that part of the book, huh?
no subject
[ it's a lie, and it's a lie for how truthful it is. a sentence that means almost precisely the truth. a sentence that tells absolutely nothing. and when she gives him that sad smile, that brief moment of failure-
the effortless smile he wears is just as worthless. ]
Lucky for you, you have the Fairy King himself! I may be worthless as a teacher, and I may not have a Morpound to my name, but at least I'm worth my salt as a magical existence. [ he leans forward, taking her hand in his. ] So, close your eyes. Drift into this dream we share, Ai, and let me guide you.
no subject
Well, I guess that explains it. There wouldn't have been anyone to tell me that at the children's home, huh?
[ For the first time in a while (or so she tells herself), she thinks of her mother. She doesn't remember her as a human anymore, but a dark stain somewhere in her brain that won't wash out but for a moment she tries anyway – tries to remember if she'd ever seen a bruise on the back of her hand like Ai's own, but...
Nothing.
She doesn't know if she prefers it that way or not. ]
Alright. [ Ai's fingers curl around his hand. It really does all sound like fairy tale nonsense, doesn't it? But if it means having her wish granted, she doesn't have any choice but believing. ] I'll do what I can.
no subject
how despicably ugly. ]
Breathe in, then breathe out. Let the air circulate. You can feel it enter and leave your lungs, right? Think about that, first. The movement of the air.
no subject
Ah. She was distracted already. She tries to pull her thoughts back in to the flow of air in and out of her chest, the rhythm of an inhale and exhale. It's hard, when her brain is so frayed in so many directions but eventually...
She nods. ] Mm.
[ The movement of the air. She sort of gets it. ]
no subject
That's it. Just like that. [ another breath. ] Air flows in and out, like that. Now think about your blood. It doesn't leave your body, does it? Trace it throughout yourself. Feel your veins take it from your fingers to your heart to your toes. Map it out.
no subject
Before, they'd been disconnected sensations floating vaguely around in the shape she understood to be 'Hoshino Ai'. Now it feels like she understands their placement in her body a little better. Maybe this is what he means when he talks about circuits.
Another nod. ] ... it's simpler than I was expecting it to be.
no subject
Now, feel the air around you. You can feel it, can't you? [ drafty. cool. musty. ] Imagine your nerves, pushing out. Something is trying to escape you. You can feel it, can't you? Let it through.
no subject
Ah.
[ Can.
Even if it's just a trick of the air, of his words being so convincing that even just for a second she– ]
I can feel it.
[ Her voice is a little shaky. A little awed. As if right up until it happened she hadn't been able to let herself believe that it would actually work. Now she just has to push out and even if she doesn't know how to do it– she's gotten this far, hasn't she? ]
no subject
for a moment, his own certainty wavers. has the lie become truth? have his words taken on a new meaning? is she really capable...? he can see the flow of od within her circuits start, manifest half-heartedly, and for a moment he feels- trepidation. uncertainty. hope.
and then it dies away, blocked by circuits that cannot hold anything. of course. a lie is a lie, no matter what it might seem. it's relieving, a bit, just as much as it's crushing. ]
...you've already found them. [ the quiet admiration in his voice doesn't require a single bit of acting. ] But I'm not seeing anything flow through them. You never activated them before summoning me, did you?
no subject
But she had felt something. Oberon standing right here in front of her is proof enough that it can't just be a fluke or a trick of her senses but now that wave has died down, she's not entirely certain she can make it crest again.
She shakes her head. ]
I didn't even know I could before I summoned you. Not that I was expecting it to work. [ She laughs, but it's... thin, somehow. ] Maybe they're too rusty to work properly.
1/2
Rust can be cleaned away, you know. [ they're not "rusty." they've never been opened in the first place. a hermetically sealed tomb. ] But the process is, ah... Well, rust requires an acid, you know, and this requires...
2/2
Look, it's sexual congress, alright?! Sex cleans rust! I really don't like having to say it, but that's how most mages get things flowing!!
[ he is blushing. he is the fairy king, he isn't even a living breathing person, and he is blushing bright red. ]
no subject
Then she just blinks. ]
... That's all?
[ Oh, uh– that's not the sort of response a pure idol like Hoshino Ai should give, is it? She scrambles for something more appropriate and the fluster in the wake of her slipup does a good job of filling in for actual embarrassment but it's transparently obvious that while she is wrong footed, it's for all the wrong reasons. ]
I mean, ah– i–is that really all we can do? I was thinking it might be something like the summoning ritual again but...
no subject
two words. it's just two words, but it's so much more. he's able to see every truth she hides under those - that she's done this before, and that she's not actually scared, and that this is just another thing she has to give, and-
he doesn't make himself smile. he lets himself frown at something unrelated, holds onto that feeling for a moment. it's not related. it's not the same feeling. it's just a harmless little lie, nothing more. ]
...if they were less rusted over, maybe. [ even like this, the doubt's clear in his voice. ] But like this? You wouldn't be able to even start those rituals. I'm sorry, I really am, but this is the safest way.
[ not the only way. but... the only acceptable one. the only way he can guarantee her safety. ]
no subject
... Okay. It might not be ideal, but... I can do it. I'm an idol, after all.
[ From her spot on the floor, Ai looks up at him with an eerily calm look on her face, even though her insides are turning a little. It's not that she's nervous, exactly. It's just she's so used to it being... different. A boy who says that he loves - or at least likes - her and Ai doing her best to believe she can eventually feel the same way. There isn't any of this here, but... maybe that will make things easier, if there's no feelings to try and perform. Well. Easier for her, anyway. ]
But is that really something you're okay with? [ She doesn't think he would have suggested it if he wasn't, but- ] Doing this with someone you don't love.
no subject
he smiles. ]
I can't say it's my favorite idea, and my wife would be furious, but... It's worth it to help you, after all. Any Servant would do this for their Master, don't you think?
[ servant and master. don't forget that, ai. that's all this is - if it were any more, it might be a single shining moment of truth. he kneels down, reaching out to rest fingers on ai's cheek. ]
It's your first time, right? Don't worry. I'll be sure to be gentle.
no subject
Something stirs in her head at that. Not guilt, though she suspects that it should be, but something else. Recognition, maybe. Yes, that's right — back when she'd still been just a brat playing at being an idol and Saitou had sent her to Lala Lie to straighten out her act. The workshop's halfhearted little production for all its fledgling talents had been A Midsummer Night's Dream and she and that boy had played two of its most important characters. He'd been Oberon and she'd been... What was her name again? Ai doesn't quite remember.
But it's not like it matters now. ]
Yes. [ The smile comes to her lips just as easily as the lie does. ] If it's you, then I don't have to be worried.
no subject
[ he draws closer - stops a few inches away from her face, hesitation clear in his eyes.
so he closes those little traitors, smiling and murmuring: ]
Just try to relax, Master. And... Tell me if you need me to stop.
[ and then he embraces her, gently - his larger arms wrapped around her, hands coming to rest on her back. this close, his wings are overwhelming, bright and beautiful and oh-so-delicate; this close, she can smell the scent of him, of royalty and merrymaking and a tavern's firelight. ]
no subject
She has no idea when the last time someone held her was. It must have been years ago. Did that boy ever hold her while they were playing as adults or had he touched her no more than necessary and left her feeling cold afterwards? She doesn't know.
Oberon's hands are so warm. She didn't even realize she'd been so cold until they'd settled on her back and all of a sudden, her throat feels tight. Is she really so miserably alone that this is all it takes to unravel her?
Her hands bunch into fists in his robes, clutching at him for support. She feels alarmingly unsteady all of a sudden. ]
Oberon... [ The tremble in her voice isn't even close to being a lie. ] I don't know what to do.
[ Neither is that note of a plea. She'd thought that she did, but now she's not so sure. ]
no subject
It'll be okay. [ a moment's horrid silence. his fingers tighten at her shoulder. ] Shhh. It's okay to be nervous. Just let me guide you, okay?
[ he's already moving her, laying the both of them down in a single easy motion. he's stronger than he looks - much stronger, even. from his new position atop her, he presses his cheek to hers, lets her feel his presence, tries to reach out and connect her magic circuits to his own make-believe existence. ]
no subject
Her fingers are still clutching at his robes and a warm little shudder goes through her. With the weight of Oberon's body pressed into her own, she feels suddenly and sharply present in her own self in a way she hasn't in a long, long time. Maybe that makes her a little pathetic but she's known that for a long, long time as well. ]
I don't know what it is, but... I can feel it.
[ Her voice is lower, breathier than she means it to be. ]
Just like before.
no subject
[ his voice is gentle, his actions slow. it's not going to be okay - it can't be okay, not anymore. but at the very least, he can make it not completely miserable. his hand strokes at her back; slowly, even as he focuses on aligning her circuits with his origin, he explores and finds what little touches draw a reaction from her.
he's shockingly kind, really. if only it could last. ]
no subject
Everywhere feels so oversensitive. She doesn't know if it's just the fact that it's been so long since anyone touched her anywhere or if it's that combined with whatever else is thrumming in her blood, but every time his hands skim over bare skin, she shudders again. There's goosebumps all up and down her arms and even though he's being so gentle, it's still not good enough.
When his hand grazes her stomach she makes a thin, needy noise that even she's embarrassed by. She's a grown woman, isn't she? Pull it together, Ai. ]
Th—then... it really is working?
no subject
[ he's not "cleaning the rust" off her circuits. with each tiny step, he's exploring the closed pathways, feeling out just how wide they can go. he's finding out just how far he can go, how far she can come as a mage-
with a bit of help, of course. ]
You're doing so well. [ his voice is gentle. there's a smile on his face, even as he delivers half-lies and sincerity for her. and the whole while, his eyes remain closed. ] Don't worry, Master. You're a natural.
[ the hand at her stomach pauses - dwells a bit longer, traces idle circles with perfect, slender fingers. ]
(no subject)