Everything else is my fault, you know. I mean, sure, I got everyone else to do all the hard work of burning everything to the ground... but I can't exactly hate the product of all my hard work, now can I?
[ In turn, he tilts his head down to look at her... which means his chin is against her forehead as she looks up and he looks down. ]
This guy, though... don't get me wrong, he's an "ally" of humanity, but he's the worst.
[ Oberon complains frequently, but he's complaining with passion now. ]
Think about it this way. We're compatible, so we get along, right? Well, me and him? It's the opposite. We're as incompatible as can be, I'll never get along with him. He's got this really annoying clairvoyance that lets him see anything in the present... but that's creepy as hell, isn't it? He could be watching anybody anywhere and you'd have no way of telling... so I've allocated all of my camouflauge abilities to hiding me from him, specifically.
[ Wow, uh. He's really seething, huh? She's gotten pretty used to Oberon having nothing remotely nice to say about anybody by now, but this particularly pointed loathing is new. And at the same time it's kind of... low key? It's the way you'd complain about a coworker who grates on your nerves rather than the kind of bone deep base level irritation he expresses for everyone else just existing in his presence.
It's kind of... really funny?! She's trying her best to keep straight face and not just laugh right at him, but... ]
Wow. You really do hate his guts. That's the first time you've ever really complained about somebody like that.
[ She feels oddly pleased to hear it, though. It's kind of fun to think that even Oberon falls out with people for petty, human reasons like that. ]
But you know... you really can't say anything about the pot calling the kettle black. I'm just saying... there's an annoying blonde guy who died a little while ago but all of a sudden it feels like he's right here with us again...
[ Wow, she's definitely getting fearless if she's going to blatantly push his buttons like that. ]
[ A vein twitches in his forehead, and as such, he brings his hand up to pinch one of Ai's cheeks and start to pull at it. Push his buttons, will you? Someone is getting fearless. Oh he has no idea. ]
Aren't you getting a little too fearless? Not that I don't appreciate it, but still.
[ He says, while pulling her cheek remains the most he does. ]
Wh- hey, hold on! [ Accordingly, with her cheek pinched between his fingers, her voice comes out just a little garbled. ] Messing up an idol's face is off limits! ... But I guess it's a little late for that.
[ She has no idea of the rest of her bites are visible in here but that hickey on her mouth is as clear and vivid as it's ever been. Which, given that this is his dream, is probably exactly how he wanted it.
She reaches up with both her hands and promptly returns the cheek pulling. Counter attack, take that!!! ]
Oh, so your face is off limits, but not the rest of—agh!!
[ Her hands reach his cheeks before he can make a snarky comment about all the bites he put on the rest of her, not to mention the hickey still clear as day on her lip... and while they aren't hurting like they will be once Ai wakes up, she does in fact have a good amount of bites on the rest of her dream body too.
More importantly, though... if she's going to use both of her hands, then he has the right to do the same, now doesn't he? He lifts his other hand up to pull at her other cheek, beginning this mutual cheek-pulling while the movie continues on.
There they both are, sitting in a theater, pulling each other's cheeks like bickering children.
Nobody else sees the rest! But my face is the thing that gets put up everywhere, isn't it?! It's one thing to do it in places you'll see but don't you think going out of your way to damage the goods is a little much?
[ Not that she has to worry about that here where the worst that'll happen to her from people seeing her all bitten and loved is a little embarrassment... But come on, it's the principle of the thing!
Still huffy (or at least, pretending to be), she squirms out of his grip just enough to turn and... well, we're right back to Ai all but straddling his lap again. Though this time it's for the much less exciting purpose of giving herself some better leverage to continue the attack. ]
I was starting to think you were going a little soft for me but it turns out you're just as much of a bully as you always are.
[ Don't sound so pleased about that, Ai.......... ]
Damage? I'd say I'm improving the goods rather than dama—ow!
[ At this point escaping the embarrassment of having Oberon's bites and love on display is impossible, and all Ai can do is delay the inevitable... but it's not like she's fighting a losing battle.
Especially because her straddling him like this is, well... it's a lot to handle, even in a dream. The fact that she's straddling him in order to continue attacking him is only somewhat of a distraction. ]
...Yes, yes, I'm a big bad bully. I'm so mean.
[ ...though of course, when your defenses are as non-existent as his, the only thing you can do is attack back. ]
You could try and sound a little less proud about it.
[ He could. But he's absolutely not going to. She really ended up with an annoying Servant, didn't she?
Finally, she lets up on tugging at his face and instead presses her hands to his cheeks. After seeing Faerie King Oberon blown up to such huge sizes on screen, it's a little funny to be up close with the real thing. ]
Let's call it a truce. For now. Otherwise I'll end up missing the end of the movie and you'll only have yourself to blame.
[ His cheeks, like the rest of him, are as pale as ever... but he's there, and he's warm. ]
Right, right... we are approaching the climax, after all.
[ He'll let Ai turn herself back around so she can look back at the screen, with them having agreed to their truce just in time to see them make it to the spirit cavern, where the truth behind the world they were in would be revealed.
A white titan and it's defeat at the hands of humans and a holy sword... or in this case, the lack thereof. The six faeries who allowed the world to be destroyed simply due to procrastination, and the giant fluffy god sent to reprimand them.
The first of many betrayals, the rage of a once kind but now dead god, and lastly... the Faerie of Paradise's memories.
[ This is the part that's been hardest to watch so far. It's bad enough that everyone in the movie's snooping but being brought along with them makes Ai feel like she's paging through the poor girl's diary. No, it's even worse than that - at least with a diary, you get to decide what gets written down. With your memories, there's no filter.
This really is a miserable tragedy. ]
Everything really was doomed from the start, then.
[ She mutters that under her breath. ]
If I'd found that out... I probably would've given up then and there.
Yeah... that would be the reasonable reaction, wouldn't it?
[ His clawed hand finds hers again and grips it. ]
I'll admit it, Morgan did a splendid job with the cards she was dealt... but it was always going to end this way.
[ A long-dead land being artificially kept alive for 14,000 years... delaying the inevitable was all one ever could do, as the faeries themselves squandered whatever hope they had for something better. Twice did they reject the savior sent to them... Artoria's winter memories prove that much.
And yet... ]
"Ngh... Gaaah, that was nasty! The faeries at your place are pretty horrible, you know that!?"
"H-Huh!? D-Did you just talk, staff!?"
[ Honestly, it wasn't a very good lie. He sounds exactly like himself, and not at all like the actual Merlin who Ai has now seen for herself. ]
"No, I'm not the Staff of Selection. I'm just a nosy old busybody. Ugh, I swear... I wasn't planning on getting involved, but now I just don't think I have a choice. Listen up. I'm Merlin. Merlin, the Mage of Flowers. I'm going to be your teacher from now on. Don't forget it."
[ This time, he actually felt somewhat prepared for Ai's commentary on that front, as if he's aware of how bad of a lie it was.
But thinking about it from the perspective of a liar like him... that just meant that "Merlin aided Artoria Caster" was made into a lie. That it wasn't the mage of flowers who came to her aid, but himself.
It's no wonder, then, that her magecraft is the way it is... his teaching method was about as unorthodox as you can get. She would ask to learn something, he would leave for a few days to learn it himself, customize it so that Artoria could use it with her limited magical energy, then impart that knowledge onto her. ]
"Hmm, I see. So you'd need a tool you can charge with magical energy, and a spell you can use to make gunpowder explode? ...This is dangerously close to magical terrorism."
[ Honestly that speaks more to Artoria's preferences than his. Yet despite his witty remarks and foul mouth—that was almost certainly imparted onto Artoria herself, considering the way she is in the present—he taught her everything (within reason, he still can't fly) without complaint.
For a few years, before the staff was eventually confiscated from her, he had essentially raised her... hadn't he? ]
Of course you are. But that's exactly why I was expecting a better lie. ... but if it works then it works.
[ It's... well, she doesn't want to call it cute. That makes it all sound so twee and lighthearted which it pointedly hadn't been. But she can't help but wonder if even this tiny slice of togetherness had been just as much for Oberon's sake as it had been for that girl's.
Chasing a star you know you'll never reach is all sorts of lonely, after all. ]
I don't want you ever teaching Aqua or Ruby any of this if you ever meet them, by the way. They're clever enough to pick it all up and that's exactly what worries me.
Heh... if they were to ask, who would I be to refuse?
[ He says, as if it wouldn't be a whole hassle to have to teach anybody else. The spells he taught Artoria were specifically tailored for her to use with their minimal pool of magical energy at the time. If he were to teach anyone else he'd have to do that all over again for them... though if Ai is any indication, he doubts either of her children would have a particularly large pool of magical energy to take from either. ]
Besides, I'd have to earn their trust somehow, right? If I ever meet them, that is.
[ As if he wouldn't be starting below-ground in that regard with them. ]
[ She'd said it as a joke but... what would have to happen for him to meet them? Would they have to come here? ... Would Oberon come back with her, if she ever managed to go home?
No matter how she turns the idea over in her head, she can't quite figure out how to make it work. None of it ever feels quite real.
She turns her attention back to the screen - to the girl's ill-fated spring memories - before she speaks up again. ]
If I could take you back with me, then I would, you know.
[ His arms grip her a little tighter. It's not a conversation they could avoid having, isn't it? If they win... if he obtains the grail for her, what happens then. Obviously, sending Ai back with a second chance is a given, a chance to not answer that door... to keep the door chain on, call the police, live to perform at the dome—but more importantly, live out the rest of her life with her children...
...but what about him?
What place does a doomsday device like him have in that life? Just a memory? A Midsummer Night's Dream? ]
...Well, that depends on what's possible with the grail. [ He starts talking in his usual flippant attitude, of course. ] Still, regardless of what happens, so long as I live on in your memories—in your dreams—then that's good enough for me.
[ . . . She could call that out as a lie as easily as anything. No matter how good he is at telling them, how could something like that be anything but a lie?
But she doesn't. Instead she huffs out a sigh and shakes her head. ]
Maybe it's good enough for you. But that's nowhere near good enough for me. Sorry to say, but my memory's actually pretty bad. So we'll have to do better than that.
[ Assuming they even get close to winning, of course. Oberon had promised and she believes him and yet... ]
I guess I'll have to figure out a really greedy wish.
[ He's glad she can't see his face like this, the way he bites his bottom lip. It was him who told her to be greedy, wasn't it? This is what he told her to be...
The idea of living out a proper life alongside the star he had considered to be forever out of his reach... it feels so ridiculous, so perfect that it hurts. It's everything he's ever wanted, everything he's ever wished for, everything he's always considered to be something he can never have.
It feels too good to be true. His kneejerk reaction is to deny it, but...
Chasing after a star that doesn't exist, that's all he's ever done, isn't it? ]
Damn it... what the hell...
[ His arms around her waist tighten so much it's bound to start hurting a little, but he can't help it. ]
[ It's a chance, that's all it is. Hell, there's also a chance that the grail isn't enough, or that there's something else in their way... but there's still a chance.
If nothing else, he wants to ensure that she regains her happiness as a mother. If that requires sacrificing her happiness as a Master, then he'll sacrifice that himself if she won't.
Even if that's at his expense... well, if he can bear with falling into an endless abyss, he can handle that as well. ]
Mm...
[ He'll chase that star, just as Artoria did... but if he can't reach it, then he'll at least cherish it while it's by his side.
Artoria's Autumn Memories... in place of "Merlin", there was at least Ector. With a grumpy old blacksmith at her side for the rest of her time in Tintagel, it's no wonder she got along with Muramasa... yet even that was a tragedy. ]
"Thanks, but no thanks. If I brought something of my own back, they'd just take it away again."
[ Arguably, it could be said that her Summer Memories were worse. She couldn't kill him, even though the Faeries demanded that of her. The town was burned to the ground, not even by Woodwose's hand, but by themselves... and in the end, even Ector was lost to her. ]
"Yes, that's right. Creating the holy sword's conceptual foundation will destroy everything she was, is, and ever will be. That is the faerie of paradise's duty, her function. And even then, the holy sword won't be easy to forge. Everything about her—every experience she's had, all her memories, even Spirit Origin, her very fate—will be used as materials to make it. It's not a sacrifice. It is an equivalent exchange... and it has to be her. It can't be anyone else."
[ And yet despite all of that, her Spring Memories... ]
"...I see. Well, that was easy, huh!? It was literally over before I knew it! So that's the Site of Selection on top of that hill, huh? Okay! Last one there's a rotten egg!"
"...I can't believe it. All those horrible memories, and even at the end, she...!"
"...I know. It just ain't right. But you know, Fujimaru, if nothing else, I'm glad you're so damn pissed off about it. So look. Whatever happens next, just let the old man here handle it."
[ There was no moment in her life when she was ever truly happy. Her spring memories were meant to be, as Merlin put it, "fun times and fun times only". The simple pleasures in her life, like feeling satisfied after a good meal... except she had none of those. Just moments that allowed her to cope with the pain, but the pain never stopped.
Her spring memories were the people in front of her... that's all. She would disappear just like that in order to create the Holy Sword, putting an end to this world and granting Chaldea a weapon to use against their true enemy. By every definition of the word, it was a tragedy. ]
"Yeah? Can't end things just yet then, can you?"
[ But at the very least, there was one person there able to give her a brief respite when no one else could. ]
"Don't worry about it. I'm doing this 'cause it's what I want, just like you. This was always my destiny. That said... I'm sorry I never got to make you that barrette."
Come on. Nobody really believes that. When girls bleed themselves dry with a smile, when they laugh and perform and put their hearts into everyone else's hands so it can be reduced to pulp, when they get absolutely nothing back from any of it - how exactly is that equivalent exchange? How exactly is that a fair trade?
Well. It's fair for everybody else. Acceptable collateral damage, if anyone even thinks about it at all. Farmers stop crying over sheep going to slaughter pretty quick if they even think to shed any tears at all, right? ]
She didn't even get to keep her memories to herself, huh. [ If it sounds bitter, it's because she is. ] They really wanted to take everything.
[ "That's just how it always goes." ]
... Have you ever seen any of mine like this? If I can peek in here at yours, then...
[ Just add it to the list of things Oberon doesn't like about Merlin. From an objective standpoint, he wasn't wrong. It was a Divine Construct being created, after all... and the highest grade of Divine Constructs, Excalibur, at that.
That didn't make him hate it any less. ]
...I have. The connection between Servant and Master means it's actually quite common for that kind of thing to bleed through in the form of dreams.
[ That night, that first night after her first experience in combat, that first time they started to bare their hearts to each other... he had seen it. ]
...he didn't deserve your love. You know that, right?
A gouging, gaping wound. Rusty pain, the coppery taste of blood in her teeth and the reek of it in her nose. A wretched, helpless sort of calm, a sense of surrender that call only be called despair.
Oh. That's not happening now, is it? Oberon's here. She's not even in her own home. When did she start gripping the front of her dress again? Everything's fine. It's a little hard to breathe properly. ]
... Maybe not.
[ Her voice is a little airy as she says it. Like her chest is constricted - or like all the air is bleeding out of her even as she pulls it in. ]
But that's why it's even more important that I try. Because if I can love somebody who doesn't deserve it, then it really would be the real thing, right? And maybe I could...
[ One arm remains wrapped around her waist, but the other comes up to rest on her head and pull her close. ]
Idiot...
[ She had already found "real" love with her children... and to the very end, she had been overflowing with it, hadn't she? And to say she was undeserving of it herself...
Well, it's not like he can talk in that regard, but... still... ]
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no subject
[ In turn, he tilts his head down to look at her... which means his chin is against her forehead as she looks up and he looks down. ]
This guy, though... don't get me wrong, he's an "ally" of humanity, but he's the worst.
[ Oberon complains frequently, but he's complaining with passion now. ]
Think about it this way. We're compatible, so we get along, right? Well, me and him? It's the opposite. We're as incompatible as can be, I'll never get along with him. He's got this really annoying clairvoyance that lets him see anything in the present... but that's creepy as hell, isn't it? He could be watching anybody anywhere and you'd have no way of telling... so I've allocated all of my camouflauge abilities to hiding me from him, specifically.
[ Oh, he's dragging dragging this guy, huh? ]
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It's kind of... really funny?! She's trying her best to keep straight face and not just laugh right at him, but... ]
Wow. You really do hate his guts. That's the first time you've ever really complained about somebody like that.
[ She feels oddly pleased to hear it, though. It's kind of fun to think that even Oberon falls out with people for petty, human reasons like that. ]
But you know... you really can't say anything about the pot calling the kettle black. I'm just saying... there's an annoying blonde guy who died a little while ago but all of a sudden it feels like he's right here with us again...
[ Wow, she's definitely getting fearless if she's going to blatantly push his buttons like that. ]
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[ A vein twitches in his forehead, and as such, he brings his hand up to pinch one of Ai's cheeks and start to pull at it. Push his buttons, will you? Someone is getting fearless.
Oh he has no idea.]Aren't you getting a little too fearless? Not that I don't appreciate it, but still.
[ He says, while pulling her cheek remains the most he does. ]
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[ She has no idea of the rest of her bites are visible in here but that hickey on her mouth is as clear and vivid as it's ever been. Which, given that this is his dream, is probably exactly how he wanted it.
She reaches up with both her hands and promptly returns the cheek pulling. Counter attack, take that!!! ]
I'm just calling it like I see it!
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[ Her hands reach his cheeks before he can make a snarky comment about all the bites he put on the rest of her, not to mention the hickey still clear as day on her lip... and while they aren't hurting like they will be once Ai wakes up, she does in fact have a good amount of bites on the rest of her dream body too.
More importantly, though... if she's going to use both of her hands, then he has the right to do the same, now doesn't he? He lifts his other hand up to pull at her other cheek, beginning this mutual cheek-pulling while the movie continues on.
There they both are, sitting in a theater, pulling each other's cheeks like bickering children.
...what the heck are they doing? ]
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[ Not that she has to worry about that here where the worst that'll happen to her from people seeing her all bitten and loved is a little embarrassment... But come on, it's the principle of the thing!
Still huffy (or at least, pretending to be), she squirms out of his grip just enough to turn and... well, we're right back to Ai all but straddling his lap again. Though this time it's for the much less exciting purpose of giving herself some better leverage to continue the attack. ]
I was starting to think you were going a little soft for me but it turns out you're just as much of a bully as you always are.
[ Don't sound so pleased about that, Ai.......... ]
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[ At this point escaping the embarrassment of having Oberon's bites and love on display is impossible, and all Ai can do is delay the inevitable... but it's not like she's fighting a losing battle.
Especially because her straddling him like this is, well... it's a lot to handle, even in a dream. The fact that she's straddling him in order to continue attacking him is only somewhat of a distraction. ]
...Yes, yes, I'm a big bad bully. I'm so mean.
[ ...though of course, when your defenses are as non-existent as his, the only thing you can do is attack back. ]
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[ He could. But he's absolutely not going to. She really ended up with an annoying Servant, didn't she?
Finally, she lets up on tugging at his face and instead presses her hands to his cheeks. After seeing Faerie King Oberon blown up to such huge sizes on screen, it's a little funny to be up close with the real thing. ]
Let's call it a truce. For now. Otherwise I'll end up missing the end of the movie and you'll only have yourself to blame.
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[ His cheeks, like the rest of him, are as pale as ever... but he's there, and he's warm. ]
Right, right... we are approaching the climax, after all.
[ He'll let Ai turn herself back around so she can look back at the screen, with them having agreed to their truce just in time to see them make it to the spirit cavern, where the truth behind the world they were in would be revealed.
A white titan and it's defeat at the hands of humans and a holy sword... or in this case, the lack thereof. The six faeries who allowed the world to be destroyed simply due to procrastination, and the giant fluffy god sent to reprimand them.
The first of many betrayals, the rage of a once kind but now dead god, and lastly... the Faerie of Paradise's memories.
Specifically, her winter memories. ]
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This really is a miserable tragedy. ]
Everything really was doomed from the start, then.
[ She mutters that under her breath. ]
If I'd found that out... I probably would've given up then and there.
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[ His clawed hand finds hers again and grips it. ]
I'll admit it, Morgan did a splendid job with the cards she was dealt... but it was always going to end this way.
[ A long-dead land being artificially kept alive for 14,000 years... delaying the inevitable was all one ever could do, as the faeries themselves squandered whatever hope they had for something better. Twice did they reject the savior sent to them... Artoria's winter memories prove that much.
And yet... ]
"Ngh... Gaaah, that was nasty! The faeries at your place are pretty horrible, you know that!?"
"H-Huh!? D-Did you just talk, staff!?"
[ Honestly, it wasn't a very good lie. He sounds exactly like himself, and not at all like the actual Merlin who Ai has now seen for herself. ]
"No, I'm not the Staff of Selection. I'm just a nosy old busybody. Ugh, I swear... I wasn't planning on getting involved, but now I just don't think I have a choice. Listen up. I'm Merlin. Merlin, the Mage of Flowers. I'm going to be your teacher from now on. Don't forget it."
[ "My Winter Memory... wasn't all that bleak." ]
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Okay, maybe the mood isn't really right to be making fun of him. But she really can't help herself. ]
Merlin, huh.
[ She doesn't take her eyes of the screen so there's no way to see her expression but. Somehow, the tone of her voice is enough. ]
Sure. I totally buy it.
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[ This time, he actually felt somewhat prepared for Ai's commentary on that front, as if he's aware of how bad of a lie it was.
But thinking about it from the perspective of a liar like him... that just meant that "Merlin aided Artoria Caster" was made into a lie. That it wasn't the mage of flowers who came to her aid, but himself.
It's no wonder, then, that her magecraft is the way it is... his teaching method was about as unorthodox as you can get. She would ask to learn something, he would leave for a few days to learn it himself, customize it so that Artoria could use it with her limited magical energy, then impart that knowledge onto her. ]
"Hmm, I see. So you'd need a tool you can charge with magical energy, and a spell you can use to make gunpowder explode? ...This is dangerously close to magical terrorism."
[
Honestly that speaks more to Artoria's preferences than his.Yet despite his witty remarks and foul mouth—that was almost certainly imparted onto Artoria herself, considering the way she is in the present—he taught her everything (within reason, he still can't fly) without complaint.For a few years, before the staff was eventually confiscated from her, he had essentially raised her... hadn't he? ]
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[ It's... well, she doesn't want to call it cute. That makes it all sound so twee and lighthearted which it pointedly hadn't been. But she can't help but wonder if even this tiny slice of togetherness had been just as much for Oberon's sake as it had been for that girl's.
Chasing a star you know you'll never reach is all sorts of lonely, after all. ]
I don't want you ever teaching Aqua or Ruby any of this if you ever meet them, by the way. They're clever enough to pick it all up and that's exactly what worries me.
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[ He says, as if it wouldn't be a whole hassle to have to teach anybody else. The spells he taught Artoria were specifically tailored for her to use with their minimal pool of magical energy at the time. If he were to teach anyone else he'd have to do that all over again for them... though if Ai is any indication, he doubts either of her children would have a particularly large pool of magical energy to take from either. ]
Besides, I'd have to earn their trust somehow, right? If I ever meet them, that is.
[
As if he wouldn't be starting below-ground in that regard with them.]no subject
[ She'd said it as a joke but... what would have to happen for him to meet them? Would they have to come here? ... Would Oberon come back with her, if she ever managed to go home?
No matter how she turns the idea over in her head, she can't quite figure out how to make it work. None of it ever feels quite real.
She turns her attention back to the screen - to the girl's ill-fated spring memories - before she speaks up again. ]
If I could take you back with me, then I would, you know.
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[ His arms grip her a little tighter. It's not a conversation they could avoid having, isn't it? If they win... if he obtains the grail for her, what happens then. Obviously, sending Ai back with a second chance is a given, a chance to not answer that door... to keep the door chain on, call the police, live to perform at the dome—but more importantly, live out the rest of her life with her children...
...but what about him?
What place does a doomsday device like him have in that life? Just a memory? A Midsummer Night's Dream? ]
...Well, that depends on what's possible with the grail. [ He starts talking in his usual flippant attitude, of course. ] Still, regardless of what happens, so long as I live on in your memories—in your dreams—then that's good enough for me.
[ But he's lying. ]
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But she doesn't. Instead she huffs out a sigh and shakes her head. ]
Maybe it's good enough for you. But that's nowhere near good enough for me. Sorry to say, but my memory's actually pretty bad. So we'll have to do better than that.
[ Assuming they even get close to winning, of course. Oberon had promised and she believes him and yet... ]
I guess I'll have to figure out a really greedy wish.
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[ He's glad she can't see his face like this, the way he bites his bottom lip. It was him who told her to be greedy, wasn't it? This is what he told her to be...
The idea of living out a proper life alongside the star he had considered to be forever out of his reach... it feels so ridiculous, so perfect that it hurts. It's everything he's ever wanted, everything he's ever wished for, everything he's always considered to be something he can never have.
It feels too good to be true. His kneejerk reaction is to deny it, but...
Chasing after a star that doesn't exist, that's all he's ever done, isn't it? ]
Damn it... what the hell...
[ His arms around her waist tighten so much it's bound to start hurting a little, but he can't help it. ]
Do whatever you want, then...
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[ Playfully, yes - but when she says that, it occurs to her that it sounds just a little too much like a promise.
Maybe this one, she'll have a chance of keeping.
Once more, she leans back against him, tucking her head against his neck. If he needs to hold onto her then she's here. ]
There's just a little more to go, right? I told you I'd stay up until the end.
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If nothing else, he wants to ensure that she regains her happiness as a mother. If that requires sacrificing her happiness as a Master, then he'll sacrifice that himself if she won't.
Even if that's at his expense... well, if he can bear with falling into an endless abyss, he can handle that as well. ]
Mm...
[ He'll chase that star, just as Artoria did... but if he can't reach it, then he'll at least cherish it while it's by his side.
Artoria's Autumn Memories... in place of "Merlin", there was at least Ector. With a grumpy old blacksmith at her side for the rest of her time in Tintagel, it's no wonder she got along with Muramasa... yet even that was a tragedy. ]
"Thanks, but no thanks. If I brought something of my own back, they'd just take it away again."
[ Arguably, it could be said that her Summer Memories were worse. She couldn't kill him, even though the Faeries demanded that of her. The town was burned to the ground, not even by Woodwose's hand, but by themselves... and in the end, even Ector was lost to her. ]
"Yes, that's right. Creating the holy sword's conceptual foundation will destroy everything she was, is, and ever will be. That is the faerie of paradise's duty, her function. And even then, the holy sword won't be easy to forge. Everything about her—every experience she's had, all her memories, even Spirit Origin, her very fate—will be used as materials to make it. It's not a sacrifice. It is an equivalent exchange... and it has to be her. It can't be anyone else."
[ And yet despite all of that, her Spring Memories... ]
"...I see. Well, that was easy, huh!? It was literally over before I knew it! So that's the Site of Selection on top of that hill, huh? Okay! Last one there's a rotten egg!"
"...I can't believe it. All those horrible memories, and even at the end, she...!"
"...I know. It just ain't right. But you know, Fujimaru, if nothing else, I'm glad you're so damn pissed off about it. So look. Whatever happens next, just let the old man here handle it."
[ There was no moment in her life when she was ever truly happy. Her spring memories were meant to be, as Merlin put it, "fun times and fun times only". The simple pleasures in her life, like feeling satisfied after a good meal... except she had none of those. Just moments that allowed her to cope with the pain, but the pain never stopped.
Her spring memories were the people in front of her... that's all. She would disappear just like that in order to create the Holy Sword, putting an end to this world and granting Chaldea a weapon to use against their true enemy. By every definition of the word, it was a tragedy. ]
"Yeah? Can't end things just yet then, can you?"
[ But at the very least, there was one person there able to give her a brief respite when no one else could. ]
"Don't worry about it. I'm doing this 'cause it's what I want, just like you. This was always my destiny. That said... I'm sorry I never got to make you that barrette."
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Come on. Nobody really believes that. When girls bleed themselves dry with a smile, when they laugh and perform and put their hearts into everyone else's hands so it can be reduced to pulp, when they get absolutely nothing back from any of it - how exactly is that equivalent exchange? How exactly is that a fair trade?
Well. It's fair for everybody else. Acceptable collateral damage, if anyone even thinks about it at all. Farmers stop crying over sheep going to slaughter pretty quick if they even think to shed any tears at all, right? ]
She didn't even get to keep her memories to herself, huh. [ If it sounds bitter, it's because she is. ] They really wanted to take everything.
[ "That's just how it always goes." ]
... Have you ever seen any of mine like this? If I can peek in here at yours, then...
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That didn't make him hate it any less. ]
...I have. The connection between Servant and Master means it's actually quite common for that kind of thing to bleed through in the form of dreams.
[ That night, that first night after her first experience in combat, that first time they started to bare their hearts to each other... he had seen it. ]
...he didn't deserve your love. You know that, right?
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A gouging, gaping wound. Rusty pain, the coppery taste of blood in her teeth and the reek of it in her nose. A wretched, helpless sort of calm, a sense of surrender that call only be called despair.
Oh. That's not happening now, is it? Oberon's here. She's not even in her own home. When did she start gripping the front of her dress again? Everything's fine. It's a little hard to breathe properly. ]
... Maybe not.
[ Her voice is a little airy as she says it. Like her chest is constricted - or like all the air is bleeding out of her even as she pulls it in. ]
But that's why it's even more important that I try. Because if I can love somebody who doesn't deserve it, then it really would be the real thing, right? And maybe I could...
[ "Maybe I could try loving myself, too."
Nobody deserves it less, after all. ]
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Idiot...
[ She had already found "real" love with her children... and to the very end, she had been overflowing with it, hadn't she? And to say she was undeserving of it herself...
Well, it's not like he can talk in that regard, but... still... ]
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